Today is my lovely niece Kristen's *counts...and gasps* 15th birthday, so this post will be addressed to her.

Good heavens, you're 15, a proper teenager already. Why, at your age, I was...never mind. Ahem. Time flies obscenely swiftly. Why, I remember when you were just several months old and crying all the way up Sears Tower. Now look at you, all growed up proper and still shooting up like a darned beanstalk.

I hope you enjoy your special day and that you have fun with family and friends. I'm pleased that you appear to be handling the teenager years very well so far, and long may it continue. For if you put a toe out of line, and end up doing and selling drugs, pregnant, or clapped in jail, I will come over and give you such a ringing slap, the likes of which will make your cheek and jaw sting forty years down the line each time you remember it.

Having said that, may your fifteenth year of existence present you with good fortune, nice memories, and excellent opportunities. Keep singing and dancing your little heart out. Don't do anything that will sully your reputation. Eat properly, or you may regret it in the future. Laugh about the past, look to the future, but most importantly, savor the present.

Again, happy birthday to you!